Wednesday, 23 May 2012
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The Official Office Guide to Purchasing Nuclear Weapons PDF Print E-mail
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Economics - Technology
Written by Maie Crumpton   
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Tags: consumerism | parody | weapons

The Official Office Guide to Purchasing Nuclear weapons

In order to purchase your own nuclear weapons system and help us serve you better in the future please complete the following questionnaire and we will be happy to forward you our new catalogue. Thank you for the interest you have shown in our company.

Simply complete the following:
Name:
Code name
Latitude
Longitude
Altitude
Have you purchased any of our aircraft? F -14 Tomcat
F- 15 Eagle
F- 16 Falcon
F- 17 Stealth
Where was this product purchased? Received as gift / package
Catalogue showroom
Sleazy arms broker
Mail order / Internet
Discount store
Government surplus
Classified
How did you first become aware of our products? Heard loud noise, looked up
Store display
Espionage
Recommended by friend / relative / ally / Halliburton
Political lobbying by manufacturer
Was attacked by one
Please tick the three factors that most influenced you to buy this product: Style / appearance
Bribe
Recommended by salesperson
Speed / manoeuvrability
Comfort / convenience
Advanced weapons system
Price / value
Backroom politics
Negative experience in combat
Enthusiasm of wife / children
Please tick the locations where your nuclear weapons will be used: North America
Central / South America
Europe
Middle East
Africa
Asia / Far East
Misc. Third World countries
all of the above
Please tick the products you currently own or intend to purchase in the future. Color TV
DVD Player / VCR
Satellite
CD player
Air-To-Air missiles
Space shuttle
Home computer
Electric coffee grinder
How would you describe your organization? Communist / Socialist
Terrorist (Non-Al Quaeda)
Crazed (Al Quaeda)
Neutral
Democratic
Dictatorship
Corrupt
Primitive / Tribal
How do you intend to pay for your product? Cash
Suitcases of Cocaine
Oil revenues
Deficit spending
Personal cheque
Credit card
Ransom Money
Traveler's Cheques
Occupation, You: Homemaker
Sales / marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister / General
Retired
Student
Occupation, Your Spouse: Homemaker
Sales / marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister / General
Retired
Student
To help us understand our customers lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you & your spouse participate on a regular basis. You: Golf
Boating / sailing
Sabotage
Running / Jogging
Propaganda / misinformation
Destabilization / overthrow
Default on loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black market / smuggling
Watching sport on TV
Wines
Interrogation / torture
Household pets
Crushing rebellions
Espionage / reconnaissance
Fashion / clothing
Border disputes
Mutually assured destruction
Your spouse: Golf
Boating / sailing
Sabotage
Running / Jogging
Propaganda / misinformation
Destabilization / overthrow
Default on loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black market / smuggling
Watching sport on TV
Wines
Interrogation / torture
Household pets
Crushing rebellions
Espionage / reconnaissance
Fashion / clothing
Border disputes
Mutually assured destruction
Email Address:
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help our company serve you better in the future - as well as entitling you to receive mailings and news of our special offers and sales on chemical weapons.

If you do not wish to receive information about special offers from other companies, extremist groups and mysterious consortia, please tick this box:

Any comments and suggestions about our fighter planes? Please send them to our military aerospace division.

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Author of this article: Maie Crumpton

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