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My name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, and fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution.
I also suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion f*cking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we? "Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine! " what a bunch of bullsh*t.
Basically, this message is a big f*ck YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and which, if it makes it to the year 2012, will be in the Guinness World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. f*ck them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being " I don't f*cking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life delete it. If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email, lest he end up like Miranda. Right? Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals!
- Basmati Kasaar
Your fiction column hit a new (albeit not unexpected) low with the publishing of Micah Jayne's imbecilic "Crossings". Doesn't this f*ckwit know that Jack Kerouac died years ago in his aunt's trailerpark home in Florida?
Why can't he write more like Dave Barry, or whoever it was that wrote that screamingly funny review of the Skoda 120? I can appreciate someone trying to be a "writer in Prague", but is this the sad result? Mr. Jayne recovers from his drunken stupor just long enough to scratch out a rough plot for an Irvine Welsh novel, sends it off to you and collapses again into infirmity?
And what about that name? Obviously another pseudonym your authors are so fond of inventing for themselves. Is he referring to Czeck "Majka", the spam-like substance favoured by the Hlavni nadrazi night crowd? (By the way, has Dr. Kail investigated the constituent elements of said substance?) Just wanted to let you know what I think.
Congratulations on an excellent magazine - especially the funny bit in the middle. Is it possible for me to see those online - or if not could you mail me a copy of the one about Canadians feeling a deep need to tell everyone that they are both Candian and not American. My girlfriend is Canadian and I am worried that I don't take the piss enough.
Be careful about taunting those Canuks Leon,
... they'll turn on you faster than the Supreme Court and will torch your house while you sleep. We'll consider your request once we've run it past our lawyers.
- The Editors
Tim McVeigh - American Hero
There seems to be some misunderstanding on the part of the American people in so far as they think he is actually going to be executed next month and I would like to put the matter straight;
1. He will be given a sleeping dose, declared dead by CIA doctor 'operative' and thereafter will receive plastic surgery and live a very wealthy life in South America.
2. Probably (I didn't check) he 'requested' cremation as this will save the needless murder of a street bum for use as 'dead weight' in the coffin or later possibilities of DNA testing.
3. The Oklahoma plot achieved it goal of negating criticism on legislation that followed to allow use of military to quell/control civil disturbance whether in the event of terrorism or not, facilitated increase in CIA funding and supported a big offensive against armed 'renegade' freedom groups, Waco-style.
4. Every wonder why Indiana was chosen? No electric chair is my answer!
Tim McVeigh followed his orders to the letter and Americans should be proud of him as they should the government that controls their lives and fools them every time.
Regardless of whether he's quilty or not (and there is still some doubt, even though he claims cresit to further his cause), the truth is, the death penalty is all wrong, and is the practise of only the most represssive regiemes on Earth.
Skoda 105-120 has never been 2 stroke. All the sh*t what Czechs produced were always 4 stroke
We Know, it was a joke, and knew it would catch ya'll! We even got one call from a writer in the states doing research on Czech cars!