I'm so sick of your magazine's whininess I could puke, so why don't you put my completely subjective, potentially offensive b*tch list in that stupid magazine of yours? I'm mean, get real; it's the end of the Millennium and you guys are whining over how to improve the planet? How about addressing some of these real problems and make life better?:
- The F word. This is basically the Tommy Lee of expletives: Vulgar, ugly, and life would just be more pleasant without it. Lose it.
- Tommy Hilfiger's logo: Could it get any bigger? And I don't care about that whole freedom of speech thing; I think it's more-than-bordering on unconstitutional to turn The US Flag(c) into an oversized Rugby shirt.
- Platform sneakers: Can't run in them. Can't jump in them. Can't shoot, slam or spike in them either. And they're dumb-looking on top of it all.
- Lame, no-talent "stars" raking in obscene amounts of dough for "acting" in loser movies. Demi Moore and Keanu Reeves, I'm talking about you.
- Puff Daddy. Hey, fatty, write your own songs.
- Celebs being called the "next" somebody. Leonardo is the next James Dean; Natalie Portman is the next Audrey Hepburn. Gee, can't wait until there's a next Danny Bonaducci.
- Chicks who walk around looking like they've got an ape in a headlock. Shave your pits already! Or get a Eurail pass and go hang with your hairy Russian sisters.
- Blonde jokes. I mean, I just don't get them.
- Logo-a-go-go: Unless, of course, your name is Nike and you're terrified that somebody's going to steal your hat if you don't claim visible ownership.
- Hello Kitty crap. Hey, we're not trying to scrooge kids out of their toys, but if you're old enough to need a bra (whether you choose to wear one or not is your business), you're too old for this obnoxious cartoon kitty and her friends. Period.
- Heroin chic. Not that colorful bruises, conspicuous bones, and copious track marks aren't appealing. Really.
- Jerry Springer. Wise up, people-the show's a hoax. If you're a crack-addicted hermaphrodite living in an abandoned bus and sleeping with your seven cousins while doing community service for knocking over the local minimart with a shower attachment designed to look like a pistol in your pocket, don't you think your schedule's a little too hectic to jet off to Chicago for the taping?
Here's a little thing I wrote the other day.
Have you ever dreamt that you went to a very public place, such as the school that you attended or the mall, only to find that when you get there you forgot to wear your clothes?
These particular dreams create feelings of embarrassment in most of us. However, when I end up dreaming that I'm in a public place in nothing but my underwear I'm always quite relieved to find that I haven't forgot my trusty old water pistol. It's always less embarrassing to be in your underwear if you can shoot people in the crotch and make it look like they've peed their pants.
- Jason Schell
Dears Sirs and Madam
We are writing to formally request that you cease from using the phrase "Russian Mafia" in any and all future publications. Any past usages by you of the aforementioned phrase must be either deleted, or the proper royalties paid immediately. The phrase "Russian Mafia" is a copyrighted trademark of our corporation and we will not hesitate to pursue legal action if you should fail to heed our requests.
Thank You, The Disney corporation.
Alright Wild ones, here we go...
Yes, It's me. "Pooh bah" old school checking in and signing up! 22 Rocks! Love the "stealth tactics" box on the karma ticket and the brain diagrams too. My G3 is itchin' for a challenge. Wanna Dance? f*ck Telecom
- Tim Otis
Thought I'd suprise you and drop you a line. How dark and lonely my days have been without you virile chaps to provide a spark.
Tings, many tings have happened. I was captured, incarcerated, captured and nearly incarcerated again for a crime I didn't commit.
Such is the British legal system. I think I'm going to join the A-team. Anyway the long and short of it was that I am now cleared of violent crimes against humanity. Witch hunts really do still exist in the land of steak puddings.
I also went to Sri-Lanka, which was most pleasing, also hot. I rode an elephant (but then most girls do at some stage or other), which was a highlight. I won't bother to bore you with tales of the tropical paradise whilst you're freezing your nuts off in Prague.
I also won't bother to write anymore as this may even be the wrong address. I am at work. I will be here for another 2 weeks. Write sooner.
- Love, Maie Crumpton