The Original Think Magazine (Published since 1996)

Letters to the Editor, #16

letters to the editor

Letters to the Editor, Issue #16

 

Dear Editor:

Now that the DEA has gained the upper hand in the War on Drugs, we should not falter, but continue pushing ahead into new territory. Tobacco is well on the way to becoming a regulated drug, but think of the millions of people who abuse caffeine every day.

Even small children can openly buy Coke, and every day one can see parents giving their children Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, coffee, tea, chocolate, and other mind-altering substances.

No wonder Family Values are going down the drain!

People who use drugs of any sort without specific permission from medical authorities should be locked up. This includes alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, and aspirin.

Why should some drugs be excepted from the rule? All drugs are bad. It's ridiculous to argue that a person can make whatever decisions he/she wants regarding his/her body. Bodies don't belong to the individual, they belong to society.

I've heard some flaming liberals argue that a person should be able to take drugs if he wants because it's his own body. But that is not true, one doesn't own his body; it is temporarily on loan from God.

"What? Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?" - 1 Corinthians 6:19

In conclusion, may I suggest a way to finally win the war on drugs: install a sensor on every home's sewer pipe, continuously monitored by computer. When the presence of any drug is detected, the computer would automatically contact the authorities.

Of course, we would probably have to double or triple our prison space, but would it not be worth it to finally cleanse society of this filth?

- Sincerely, Rich Gold


Dear Thunk,

I had the grave misfortune of trying to tread through your ridiculous "magazine", getting as far as two ludicrous articles before my stomach prevented me from going any further.

Please tell me how you got to this country. Was it a poster on a "ride wanted" board in UCLA's American Culture Department? Was it a tip from your younger Biff after his arraignment on a Polish sexual harrassment charge? What was it exactly that drove you here like Hamelin's rats?

Czechs, if you know any, ask you these questions alot here. Those furry Czechs eh? Just tickle them under the chin and they just roll over and play dead. Do you have a rad expat answer?

Could you just explain to your gaseous readers/fodder how individuals such as yourselves who are devoid of shame, modesty, or an inkling of intelligence, let alone wisdom, could negotiate their way across that big spooky ocean?

You write Dribble. Dribble as in saliva. Perusing your 'offering' reminds me of the rape scene in Leaving Las Vegas. Yankee frat boys in the throes of a 'wick time Brad.

It isn't just the oblivious pictures of a liquored hip/hop American unbuttoning a naieve exctasy ridden Czech boy-toy, nor the 'rave ice culture' with the slap happy Bevisyhills overtures, nor the Keanu surf joint idiocy, nor the kindergarten grammar and spelling, nor the haughty pretension that you are keeping Politically Correctness at arms length, nor the gruesome high gloss cover which purports to be environmentally conscious, nor the 'alternative' right wing bland attempts at editorials, nor even the toilet bowl cartoons that even a thalidomide penguin could draw, its just your title.

Think. Think. Stop it. Stop it.

You are maiming those of us who still can, er, think. Sit yourselves down in a crushed velvet Radost chair until all of your money is gone and Daddy is obligingly left to fly you home after a heartbreaking collect phonecall on Narodni trida.

Back to mowing your cheerleader's lawn and night shifts in the frozen lemonade plant. Just stop doing that thing you do with ink and paper. Don't make us take bundles of coverless, stapleless pamphlets out of your advertiser's establishments to the recycling bin. It takes us too much time.

Disrespectfully up-yours, Will Rose

HO HO HO CHI MINH - KICK THE MORONS OUT

A Gut-Shot Policeman replies,

Dear Will,

Oh, God, I'm dyin' over here! Somebody, get me some help, please. Oh, God, I'm dyin'. The pain! Lou, call for back-up if you can hear me. Unggggh! Tell Nancy I love her. Tell the kids to be brave, and them that their daddy loves them very much. pain, I can't stand it! Oh, please help me. I'm too young to die.


Dear readers,

After much ado and controversy, a spokesperson from the Ensemble Grotesque play group has finally been interrogated as to Sex Dwarf Anna's state of undress during the last "Cabaret de Debauche" in Prague's Club Roxy on March 19th.

We have the official word that, "Well, of course, we do concern ourselves with our audience's delicate moral fiber. In fact, all our aliens are subject to routine undergarment searches. Anna is #1 on the agenda of our director's deepest probe. He closely scrutinizes her attire before, during and after each Ensemble Grotesque production.

However, it seems she may have pulled her angora sweater over his eyes and slipped though his fishnets on that occasion. " Ensemble`s legal representative, Mr. Dick Buttcuss, was interviewed during his last parole leave. He was, indeed, very informative when we popped the big question:

Did she have any on or not?

"Well, I'm very glad you asked me that, for at this point in time in the circumstances that prevail here are in the pipeline. Infrastructural implications interfaced with lines of thought, which lead to grass-roots validity, which at this point in time I would rather not enunciate an ambiguity but, rather, seek to find.

Negotiated compromises, which are the bottom line of full and frank discussion, would serve to integrate with basic fundamental principles to which we all relate.

Not a doctrine or philosophy which anyone can see the inexplicable hypothesis confronting you and me, but in the interest of the common good now you need never fear, for I have the matter well in hand... I'm glad I made things clear! "

And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the ball's in your court. You must now look at the photograph, and ask yourselves two simple questions. First: What on earth was Mr. Buttcuss talking about?

Then, second: Did she, or did she not, streak?

The Cabaret is on tour at present. It's due back at the Club Roxy late in the month of May. Other Ensemble Grotesque delights remain at home. The Rubin Theatre, two doors up from Jo's Bar in Malostranske nam., is hosting "3 Tall Stories", the Ensemble's particular treatment of Prague legends, each Sunday at 8:00 p. m.

The piss-up Praha street theatre evening extravaganza remains a regular feature on Wednesday at 6 p. m. sharp, departing from Prasna Brana (the Powder Tower) at Nam. Republiky ... till late. You'll never remember this unforgettable night out.

- Micky McConnell


Dear "Think"

How vile you are. A sister writes to call you on your sexism and you call her "sweetie". I'm sure you think you're very funny, you're cool and laughing all the way to the bank.

By the way, if you're so supposedly into freedom and honesty and some sort of tiredly ironic comment on capitalism, why don't you open your books and show how much you profit from the Pepsi money and the MTV money while proudly declaring you don't pay your writers?

Of course, you're free to capitalize any way you can and make money no matter who it hurts or what evil it helps, just like if our tribe catches you alone in a dark alley some night, we can cut your dick off and sell it for dog food.

- Divoka Sarka

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